90% of Arguments - 3 Common Types
1. "Who’s Right" Fights - The most common type of arguments are "Who’s Right" fights. These arguments are concerning what was said or done, what’s true, or what’s
real.
Examples:
“You told me this!
- “No, I didn’t”
- “Yes, you did!”
“This is what happened”
- “No, it didn’t”
- “Yes it did” etc.
People have these kinds of arguments many times a day. You can avoid these fights by speaking, listening, and even thinking in the SUBJECTIVE TENSE. If someone asks "What happened? You say, "Here is what I experienced".
Only you know what you experienced, each person's experience is different, and nobody knows exactly what happened! Do not argue about that. "What did John tell you?" Do not say "John told me this. Try - "This is what I heard John say . . .". If you want to know what he was trying to say you have to ask him. If you want to know what he actually said, good luck! I am not sure that actually even exists! I only know what I heard (again subjectivity is all we have and remaining there avoids "who's right" fights
2. “You’re not listening to me” or “You do not understand” fights
These are also easy fights to eliminate! Whenever someone says "you're not listening", or " You don't understand" simply reflect. Try "Here's what I have so far - You're feeling this, and thinking that." If that's right, they'll know you are listening and/or understand. If that's wrong, they get to explain again.
Remember the speaker determines right or wrong. Only they know what they are trying to say. You as the listener "erase and re-record"! Restate again what you
heard to make sure you got its right. Then the "You're not listening" fight never happens.
When someone wants to share, let them. It usually does not matter who goes first and you can assert yourself or share back
later.
3. "You’re not the boss of me” fights
Your premise is that you are not interested in 'bossing' anyone. No one likes to be bossed. Remember your 4 process agendas When you are in a position to do so and have the power to do so, you can negotiate or set limits about an item. This is inherent in your power at the moment. When you understand what that power is you can negotiate and set limits appropriately, while still caring about, and being respectful of the individual. That's all the 'boss' your need to be!
In concept, there is an easy way to completely avoid these arguments. In real-life, of course, it requires practice. If you master these three, you can eliminate most of the arguments you'll ever have!
