What is Anger?
Understanding anger . . . what it is, and how it works, is essential for successful interactions.
When someone is angry, they’re usually more difficult to negotiate with. They’ll enter an attack and defend mode
that does not lend itself to cooperation.
You don’t want to escalate angry situations as you interact. You want to defuse anger and keep all participants grounded and calm.
Anger is always a reaction to vulnerability
Often the sequence from calm (grounded), to
upset (triggered), to vulnerability, to anger happens very quickly so you want to say:
“You said X, and it made me angry.”
More accurately you should say:
“I heard you said X, it made me feel vulnerable. My vulnerability
triggered my anger.”
If you express anger toward someone you are obligating them to defend themselves. Your anger is by its nature an attack that causes other's to feel attacked, triggering their defensive (fight,
flight, or freeze) response.
On the other hand, if you share your vulnerability, you are inviting the other person to nurture. Your vulnerability often (not always) triggers them to feel empathy or caring that elicits
a nurturing response.
