PARTNERSHIP CONTRACTS
1. Time outs or ‘pause button’ in respect to the right to space
You must be able to pause the interaction to make process corrections, or time to ground and re-center. The contract should include both an understanding of how to ask for space and the structure for returning and resolving. Remember that no matter how space is asked for, give that space as soon as possible. While taking space remember to ground, clarify your own thoughts and feelings, and plan how to proceed when you get back together.
Remember that a request for space not to be seen as ‘avoiding’, you must be willing to return and continue in a reasonable amount of time. This varies across different couples and content.
2. Reflective listening contract
Either party can use reflective listening to make sure that communication is clear. Any time your partner says, “reflect please” you ought to be willing to read back your ‘memory’ of what they said to make sure it matches what they meant to say.
Avoid arguing about what they said, and remember the working assumption that they know themselves better than you do.
Their obligation of course is to reflectively listen to you in a similar manner. In fact, a ‘unit’ of communication includes each person sharing, the other reflecting, and confirmation from the sharer that they were heard accurately. If they do not feel that the reflection was accurate enough, they get to go again! Only the person sharing knows what they were trying to say, the reflector only knows what they heard (and these are always different to some degree!).
Standard communication unit: Statement - You share a thought, feeling, or perception from your reality. Your partner shares something back for theirs that seems to relate to the statement. This is fast, simple, and usually the way conversation happens. However, it often leads to misunderstandings, arguments, change of subject, or other difficulties. When it does it often pays to slow down, and use the reflective communication below.
Reflective communication unit: Statement by the speaker
Reflection by the listener- this is not a response It is merely reporting back your understanding of the statement to see if
you ‘got it right’, which is up to the speaker of the statement. If they yes, you heard and understood, you may then respond. if they say ‘no’, they get to go again! The listener will erase and re-record! Then reflect again.
This repeats until the speaker affirms that they have been heard and understood. When this is complete a response is possible.
Response- The first listener is now the speaker.
Reflection by the new listener and continue as above until the second speaker affirms ‘heard and understood’ This completes one
unit of reflective communication. It is somewhat bulky and slow but much more clear and mutually respectful. Usually standard communication works okay but when either of you want to, switch to this reflective mode for at
least one full unit. You may continue from there in either mode until the ‘contract’ is again invoked.
As listener, you want to focus on hearing accurately (remember the speaker determines this), empathy, and validation. Read below to understand each of these more carefully.
