3 Interaction Steps
Ground, Process, Content
GROUND
Being grounded comes before the process or content in an interaction. Get in the habit of grounding before you enter an interaction.
Example: One of my teenagers would come to me and charge in to ‘content. “I need the car keys and 20 bucks. Gotta pick up my date in 5 minutes. The movie starts in 20 minutes!” I would look up slowly from my newspaper.
they would say, because they know me, “waaaiiit…”, I would shut my eyes for a few seconds, take one deep breath and begin. Because I am grounded I
remember to say “Oh, the car keys are glued to the kitchen garbage. No
keys until the garbage goes out.” “But the movie starts in 20 minutes” he pleads “And I am rooting for you because I love you! don’t waste any time talking to me, hurry and get that garbage out so you can be out of here on
time!” DAMN he says, and runs for the garbage. Now I would not have
remembered to lovingly set that boundary if I had not paused to ground.
Get in the habit of grounding whenever you are not grounded or get used to having your emotional buttons pushed.
The PROCESS
The Process is how you interact, communicate, negotiate. It is completely separate from the content (what is being discussed).
Examples of Process Issues include:
- “Are we hearing each other”
- "Are we feeling validated"
- "Are we showing respect, and feeling respected"
- "Are we feeling cared about"
- “Are our interpersonal rights being respected”
These are all examples of process issues, not content.
Most of the time, if your grounded and your interactional processes are good, regardless of the content, you will have an easier, happier day.
When in any interaction, if someone says ‘point of order’ the conversation stops so those involved can deal with the process item.
Example: I feel that you are not hearing me - let me explain again.
A similar understanding can be used in any relationship. you can agree that you can pause the content to make a process correction.
CONTENT
Make sure that both parties agree to what the content is. We are each very fast associative computers. It is very easy and common to move on a tangent to different but related
content that could be a second item but often confuses the original content of the conversation.
Content is important, but still the third priority after being grounded and having good interactional processes. Of course, you want to get the ‘business’ of the interaction done adequately for both parties but if the
interactional process is
bad, the interaction will not be successful.
