Trust
For most couples, trusting each other is an important aspect of their relationship. Trusting that your partner wont:
- lie or cheat
- be unfair or selfish
- be violent or otherwise abusive
- abandon or desert you
Simply put, trust is a feeling that you have about your partner, based on your experience with that person.
Suppose my teenager steals the change off of my dresser top. The next day he is going into my room and I say “stay out of there!” He exclaims “don’t you trust me?” I say, “What I trust is that you would take the money off of my dresser. That’s what you did yesterday! If over the next bunch of months you do not take the money I will begin to trust that you won’t".
Your ability to develop trust with your partner is complicated by each other's past experiences in other relationships. This includes being disloyal to a previous partner, abuse or betrayal by friends or family, even betrayal by a professional or government or company can hamper your ability to trust.
Discuss these areas to increase your understanding of each other and work on building a strong and trusting base for your relationship.
Your partner is an individual, different and unique. It is possible for any individual to be trustworthy, regardless of their behavior in your past.
Some people automatically bestow trust until their trust is broken. Others do not trust until trust is earned. Either system can work but it is helpful to share and understand each other's opinion on this point.
Trust grows like a tree. It can take a lifetime to develop and grow, but only a moment to cut it down. It is not a switch you can turn on and off with a single decision.
Remember - Trust is a feeling, not a decision.
If trust is broken the ‘trust-tree’ is cut and lying dead on the ground. You cannot just stick it back up again. You can plant a new seedling and begin to nurture its growth. It can get stronger over time.
Most couples can survive one breach of trust and grow a new trust-tree over time. You can start to grow your trust again, but it takes time and going forward - a clean track record.
Try to be transparent and find ways to remain honest, even when it is difficult to do so.
People are tempted to lie most often when they feel cornered. Suppose, for example, that smoking pot with a friend is for whatever reasons, very
important to you. So is preserving your partnership. Your partner threatens that the relationship is done if you smoke pot. You are with the other friend and you share some pot. Your return home and your partner asks
if you
smoked. You’re cornered! This is where remaining trustworthy can matter the most. You are tempted to say “no” to keep your partner. This would be a lie and chop the trust tree down! It’s a dilemma.
You must solve the puzzle of negotiating this conversation so that you can work through the ‘pot issue’ without being dishonest. This is actually complex and may employ all the skills this webinar offers. This takes some work on both yourself, and the partnership.
Sometimes it helps to take an example like this, and work it through with your partner before it really happens, as a trust building exercise. Work on trust building is an on-going project in a long term relationship.
Remember you can’t make someone trust you. You can make sure you are trustworthy, and have faith that if you remain trustworthy, your partner’s ability to trust in
you will grow.
